Rebecca © 1997 Sean Altman I'm chameleon man - I can change with the breeze I can mold myself to be what you please And I polish up like new Oh you're a flatback girl living large on the springs Make a man spit pearls then you choke him with the string And you're gone when he's come to... Rebecca why you cry? & Becky why'm I not your kind? Oh is there something I can do To make you crave my love for you? Rebecca why you cry? Please Becky won't you change your mind? Or is your love the peace I'll never find? Such a girl, take a dive for a dime Do your missionary work if the paycheck's fine And I'm deep in the hole for you Ah but it's a forgery love in a counterfeit frame Spinning blackjack curls in a count card game But my heart hasn't got a clue Chorus Am I too numb? Am I too weak? Am I too dumb? Am I some freak? I would bleed for you if I knew why you weep, Becky Chorus Reuben, The Hook-Nosed Reindeer © 2000 Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum In all the songs of Christmas Passed down from days of old The tale of the unsung reindeer Is the one that's yet untold You've heard of Dasher, you've heard of Dancer You've heard of Prancer and Vixen, too But there'’s a reinder you haven't heard of yet It's secret 'cause he's a Jew You've heard of Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen And Rudolph and how he glows But not Reuben - they're all ashamed of him He's the reindeer with the big hook nose He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his bulbous Semitic beak Cooks blintzes for Blitzen, does Santa's taxes Cleans his hooves every week He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer And the gig is taking its toll 'Cause it's a bitch to finagle a lox and bagel Up at the North Pole He checks the oil, rotates the tires Wraps the presents and packs the sleigh He checks the road map, he brings the Streisand tape He packs a Thermos of consommé He always gets a receipt, never mixes milk and meat Pays wholesale for all the toys As you can plainly see, he's Santa's MVP And Santa is his Shabbos goy He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his giant misshapen snout Thinks Comet's a cleanser, Cupid's a yenta And Rudolph's a Nazi Kraut He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer He took the fortune but not the fame Went to Yeshiva, won't chase beaver Mah jongg's his reindeer game Just like a slave in thrall to the Pharaoh He toils all night in the snow Come on, Santa, hear our plea: Let my reindeer go! He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer With his veiny relentless schnozz Got a poster of Bambi up in his locker And panties from Mrs. Claus He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer He's Kosher and playing it safe The elves put their dicks in Prancer and Vixen But he won't because they're trayf No he won't because they're trayf... Sadder Than Love © 2001 Sean Altman & Patti Rothberg Sleeping there like a willow Sweet aftertaste on the pillow This is goodbye or hello For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love Green eyes don't know what they're wishin' Blinded with Cupid's permission Don't see the frog they've been kissin' For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love Ahh... Seems fair but it ain't on the level Dressed up for lies but the truth is disheveled Heaven sent from the Devil For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love Ahh... Your heart is ripe for the numbing But my heart is prone to succumbing Please melt this ice I'm becoming For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love It brightens your life but the light doesn't flatter Your sunny-side up 'til you're beaten and battered There's no escape -- in the end does it matter? For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love Secret Santa © 1994 Sean Altman Here comes Santa with the loot Big red hat black shiny boots If you been good you got a tune to sing But if you ain't you don't get anything Yeah, stockings empty, candles lit Reindeer champing at the bit If you ain't shown you know good from bad Well you'll be one lone lonesome lonely lad But if you say your prayers and go "Yes, ma'am" Get good at deflecting blame You'll have a great Christmas and get two for one You get the gifts that were meant for your rotten sis Santa Claus alias a.k.a. St. Nick He zigs and zags so serpentine, quite a feat since he's so darn bovine If you're good you're smack dab on his route But if you ain't your Christmas is kaput Just cop a squat on Santa's knee The beer breath and the burps are free But to get St. Nick to sweeten the pot You better prove yourself one worthy tot You gotta take out the trash with a passion Wipe your feet coming in from the rain If you deign double duty on your do's and don'ts You'll have a closetful of everything you wants Hey there, hey there Is the floor beneath the Christmas tree bare? Just lift some cash from your mama quick Pop it air mail to the North Pole "Attention St. Nick" You better walk that dog with emotion Scoop that poop with an uncommon zeal If you want big red to even know you're alive Then be a saint 24-7-365 Yeah, sucking in that winter gut Bursting like a roast chestnut Got the deer popping wheelies with your fave knickknack Like two pound of baloney in a one pound sack What's that? A big-hearted burly on an old swayback That's right Santa - he's on your track...! Jack! Taller Than Jesus © 2002 Sean Altman I'm not bragging - don't mean to blaspheme But Jesus was a short dude - at least compared to me The average guy at the time of Christ Was 4'9 to 5'5" I...I'm taller than Jesus I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus He was long on love - but short of limb My tee-shirt is like a dress on him He could heal the sick and save your soul But he couldn't dunk a basketball I...I'm taller than Jesus I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus Jesus walked on water Turned water into wine But if you need to change that light bulb Call me - I'm divine I was hanging with Christ - just guy to guy He was sitting on a phone book - we were eye to thigh He said "Hey Sean - what's it like up high?" I said "Hay-soos - you want a piggyback ride?" The Beatles claimed they were bigger than you Well I've the height on the Beatles too If genes determine the size of your bod Then my Dad must be taller than God I...I'm taller than Jesus I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus... Too Old & Too Ugly © 2002 Sean Altman Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly! Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly! I was always the boy with the golden voice Just a bundle of joy with abundant poise Folks said: "Have it all - be the President" Now it’s many years later (oh yeah) My skin’s like alligator (oh yeah) My life didn’t go quite as I planned Almighty God dealt me a crooked hand & I’m too damn old... to be a rock star & too damn ugly... to be your man I’m too damn old to be a rock star Too ugly to be your man I survived every dive from New York to Japan My child bride dumped me for a younger man Folks said: "Find a woman and a brand new band" Now it’s many years later (oh yeah) I’m a chronic masturbator (oh yeah) Mother Nature played me for chump Got Fate’s fickle finger jammed up my rump Chorus I’ll never make love or the record company cut With a face like this and a swollen gut, I’m Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly! Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly! Gonna pump up & get plastic surgery too What’s a rocker of a certain age supposed to do? Chorus Tornado Man © 1995 Sean Altman & Scott Leonard Whirly topsy turvy twisting blistering High-heater spinning round Diving zigging zagging Crazy motion from the mound And every fan is concentrating on one man And he's a stranger in their land Batter up he blows them down He's a hurricane in a uniform Take shelter from the storm (watch your back) Tornado man He's bound to blow it by ya He'll strike the foul He'll silence the growl Heroic, through and through Tornado man, tornado man Tornado man, save the world And when he goes into the stretch He deals a pirouette the batter breaks a sweat Ball comes dancing, place your bet He ain't done with you yet And by the time you take your mighty cut You're begging for some raindrops from above Only sound you hear's the ball behind you hit the glove One man you're thinking of Chorus Tornado come and he wanna throw home Blow, blow, blow tornado Blow, blow, blow right now Tornado man, most courageous We turn our eyes to you Oh let your mighty arm persuade us To throw away the past and start anew Chorus Tornado man, we know you can Tornado man Town No More © 2002 Sean Altman & Jian Ghomeshi There's really no mystery, Susannah you made me cry & you had a history of wringing my heart dry Don't paint it pretty - you don't need to act so kind Where was your pity when you left me behind? You taught me so much. You taught me so much... This ain't your town no more Not since you walked out of my door And if I catch you hanging around I'll run you right out of this town Houston and Greene Street, the taxi reeks of you A mouse with a mean streak, dispatched me out on cue You taught me so much. You taught me so much... Chorus Did you forget my face? Did you forget my letter? You should know better You should know better, but I should know you... Innocent morning, Susannah you're far away It's a beautiful warning that that's where you should stay You taught me so much. You taught me so much... Chorus Tryin' To Forget You unpublished work © 1999 Sean Altman What gives? What for? What possible reason for me banging down your door We're through, but I'm tryin' to forget you I'm shot. I'm gored. My shrink thinks I'm a pussy & my friends are just bored What's new? Just tryin' to forget you It's not like you were even worth it It's not like you were any better Than any of the plenty that I had since you Oh if you only knew how many I been through Just tryin' tryin' just tryin' to forget you Who's tough? Who's strong? Who'd ever guess I'd take it up the crack this long? Who knew? Just tryin' to forget you I'm sunk. I'm stuck. Even people in the audience are shoutin' "You suck!" I'm screwed. Just tryin' to forget you Unhappy Anniversary © 2002 Sean Altman & Noel Cohen You ask me how am I. Well I'm still standing, ain't I? That's something, that's one thing that's gone my way This morning, I'm sinking although the sun is rising I'm falling, recalling my yesterday This is my unhappy anniversary But I lie... sayin' it's just another day Here's to my unhappy anniversary, oh I know it's such bad form to still be broken-hearted I should screw her best friend to ease my pain I drink up, and think up a toast to numb the hours No silver, no diamonds, just flat champagne This is my unhappy anniversary But I smile... like it's just another day Here's to my unhappy anniversary, oh And now it's near midnight. A few more minutes & I Can backtrack, can get back my former cheer A happy-go-lucky, example of contentment I'll feast 'til, at least 'til this time next year This is my unhappy anniversary But I lie... sayin' it's just another day Here's to my unhappy anniversary But I smile... like it's just another day Here's to my unhappy anniversary Unworthy © 2002 Sean Altman & Andrew Chaikin Perfect stranger Through backseat taxi window glass you smile Now I'm in danger Of falling for you, longing for you While I perfect my patter Green light, you're gone, no matter 'cause I'm not worthy of someone like you I wish that I was, but I'm not, so I got to make Do with someone unworthy of me Who's happy to be with a someone Unworthy of someone like you I found new love In certain light I guess I looked her kind Thought it was true love That Cinderella slipper fit her fine One night she's warm in my bed Next day she's gone, the note said Chorus I feel my heart decompose The daisy chain of pain grows, and Chorus We Got A Happy Holiday © 1992 Sean Altman We got a happy holiday, my baby We got a happy holiday, my baby We're gonna spread a lot of cheer Well, it's our favorite time of year We got a happy holiday, my baby Lemme hear you say! We got a happy holiday, my baby We got a happy holiday, my baby We got presents on the brain And eggnog pumping through the veins We got a happy holiday, my baby & this is how it works: Every little thing I want I write in my own hand On a crumbled list, lick that stamp and send it to the man And if it goes according to plan, on the 25th of December I declare, "Best Christmas I can remember baby!" We got a happy holiday, my baby We got a happy holiday, my baby My stockings will expand It only takes designer brands We got a happy holiday, my baby. In the department store, to the right of the down escalator There he sat like a slug some overweight second-rater Dime-store beard and hat, shiny boots, red suit, half-eaten Nestle Could it be him? Santa looks like Elvis Presley (no way!) We got a happy holiday, my baby We got a happy holiday, my baby Lotsa room under the tree We'll have a Zombie Jamboree (back to back) We got a happy holiday, my baby Here's our seasonal message: I'm packed for the best vacation of the year A week in the Caribbean, the beach frontier On the way to the airport, the car breaks down Daddy says, "This holiday you're sticking around Come on, son, you can even help me string the lights!" I'm feeling paler by the minute but I don't want to fight So it's snowing like an avalanche, we're up on the roof Them reindeer better have deep treads on their hooves "Dagnamit, son, the darned cord won't reach!" And all I'm thinkin' is I could be on a tropical beach Then a big snowflake got stuck in his eye He took a tumble backward and he started to fly Like a lump he landed in a pile o' powder But he got right up, couldn'ta been no prouder Local TV said my Dad's quite a showman Yep, that's my pop, Frosty the Snowman Now's the time we come together, folks of every creed To raise the cup of life and watch a tree grow from a seed Let's jingle us some bells and spin that dreidle til it's hot And deck that hall with everything you got Lemme hear ya say We got a happy holiday, my baby We got a happy holiday, my baby And if Santa gets stuck in the flue We'll have a St. Nick barbecue We got a happy holiday, my baby Listen to the bassman We got a happy holiday and a happy new year Hey Hey! Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? © 1992 Sean Altman & David Yazbek Well she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina She's a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize She'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry "Uncle," From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues Well, they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? She go from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe Chicago to Czechoslovakia and back! Well she'll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia Then she'll stick 'em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Oh, tell me, where in the world is...tell me, where can she be? Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam, Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu! Well she glides around the globe, and she'll flim-flam every nation She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? You're Mine © 1997 Sean Altman You're mine - there's nothing you can do about it You're mine - so just sit back and read about it You're mine... You're mine - you're trying not to think about it, but look... You'll find it boomerangs right back into your mind You're mine... You're mine - you're shrinking like I'm thinking crazy strange You're mine - well then try and turn your face and walk away Something you'll never do, love, you would but you can't You know you're mine And your eyes are locked like cups & string to mine You try to look away - they just fall back in line You're mine... You're mine - you're pasting down the face of your disguise Surprise - you crawl back to the thing that you despise There's nothing you can do, love, you would but you can't You hope in vain to hide what the world can see There's a pain inside keeps you chained to me And I know you don't believe it's true Would I lie to you? Am I lying to you? You're here and you're my proof You're mine - you're screaming like your scheme has been betrayed You're mine - well then spout your mama's words and walk away Something you'll never do, love, you would but you can't You know you're mine You're My Christmas © 1992 Sean Altman Love, come and take a walk with me into the town, come on love Who cares if the mud turns the snow from white to brown 'Cause you're my Christmas, you're my snow And you're my crystal fire aglow We've got to find our way to the mistletoe 'Cause I wanna make love to you Oh yeah, once Christmas needed icicle trees and frosty air, but now love All I need's your breath in the sun, the light in your hair 'Cause you're my angel, tinsel and bows And you're my child with the runniest nose Your arms are tree limbs bending with the weight of the snow Girl I wanna make love to you We said for worse or for better And maybe we said it too fast But here one more sweet Christmas has come And we last and last and last and last in love Think I'm just a boy with his mittens clipped to themselves, oh love Or maybe the most mischievious one of Santa's elves 'Cause you're my sugar plum on your toes And white December embers aglow Whether we're in Shrub Oak or in Tokyo Girl, I wanna make love to you You're my Christmas, you're my snow You're my steam at 20 below We've got to find our way to the mistletoe 'Cause I wanna make love to you [SeanGigs] [Seanatomy] [SeanDisks] [SeanTalk] [SeanPix] [SeanSongs] [SeanPress] [SeanStuff] [Site Map] [Subscribe] [What's New] [Email] [Home] Last updated: April 1, 2002 This site is designed by Nancy McGrath Copyright © 1998 Big Sean Music