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Sean Altman Lyrics from Q to Z
Rebecca
© 1997 Sean Altman

I'm chameleon man - I can change with the breeze
I can mold myself to be what you please
And I polish up like new

Oh you're a flatback girl living large on the springs
Make a man spit pearls then you choke him with the string
And you're gone when he's come to...

Rebecca why you cry?
& Becky why'm I not your kind?
Oh is there something I can do
To make you crave my love for you?
Rebecca why you cry?
Please Becky won't you change your mind?
Or is your love the peace I'll never find?


Such a girl, take a dive for a dime
Do your missionary work if the paycheck's fine
And I'm deep in the hole for you

Ah but it's a forgery love in a counterfeit frame
Spinning blackjack curls in a count card game
But my heart hasn't got a clue

Chorus

Am I too numb? Am I too weak?
Am I too dumb? Am I some freak?
I would bleed for you if I knew why you weep, Becky

Chorus
Reuben, The Hook-Nosed Reindeer
© 2000 Sean Altman & Rob Tannenbaum

In all the songs of Christmas
Passed down from days of old
The tale of the unsung reindeer
Is the one that's yet untold

You've heard of Dasher, you've heard of Dancer
You've heard of Prancer and Vixen, too
But there'ís a reinder you haven't heard of yet
It's secret 'cause he's a Jew

You've heard of Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
And Rudolph and how he glows
But not Reuben - they're all ashamed of him
He's the reindeer with the big hook nose

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his bulbous Semitic beak
Cooks blintzes for Blitzen, does Santa's taxes
Cleans his hooves every week

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
And the gig is taking its toll
'Cause it's a bitch to finagle a lox and bagel
Up at the North Pole

He checks the oil, rotates the tires
Wraps the presents and packs the sleigh
He checks the road map, he brings the Streisand tape
He packs a Thermos of consommť

He always gets a receipt, never mixes milk and meat
Pays wholesale for all the toys
As you can plainly see, he's Santa's MVP
And Santa is his Shabbos goy

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his giant misshapen snout
Thinks Comet's a cleanser, Cupid's a yenta
And Rudolph's a Nazi Kraut

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
He took the fortune but not the fame
Went to Yeshiva, won't chase beaver
Mah jongg's his reindeer game

Just like a slave in thrall to the Pharaoh
He toils all night in the snow
Come on, Santa, hear our plea: Let my reindeer go!

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his veiny relentless schnozz
Got a poster of Bambi up in his locker
And panties from Mrs. Claus

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
He's Kosher and playing it safe
The elves put their dicks in Prancer and Vixen
But he won't because they're trayf
No he won't because they're trayf...
Sadder Than Love
© 2001 Sean Altman & Patti Rothberg

Sleeping there like a willow
Sweet aftertaste on the pillow
This is goodbye or hello
For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love

Green eyes don't know what they're wishin'
Blinded with Cupid's permission
Don't see the frog they've been kissin'
For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love

Ahh...

Seems fair but it ain't on the level
Dressed up for lies but the truth is disheveled
Heaven sent from the Devil
For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love

Ahh...

Your heart is ripe for the numbing
But my heart is prone to succumbing
Please melt this ice I'm becoming
For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love

It brightens your life but the light doesn't flatter
Your sunny-side up 'til you're beaten and battered
There's no escape -- in the end does it matter?
For nothing is sweeter but nothing is sadder than love
Secret Santa
© 1994 Sean Altman

Here comes Santa with the loot
Big red hat black shiny boots
If you been good you got a tune to sing
But if you ain't you don't get anything

Yeah, stockings empty, candles lit
Reindeer champing at the bit
If you ain't shown you know good from bad
Well you'll be one lone lonesome lonely lad

But if you say your prayers and go "Yes, ma'am"
Get good at deflecting blame
You'll have a great Christmas and get two for one
You get the gifts that were meant for your rotten sis
Santa Claus alias a.k.a. St. Nick

He zigs and zags so serpentine, quite a feat since he's so darn bovine
If you're good you're smack dab on his route
But if you ain't your Christmas is kaput

Just cop a squat on Santa's knee
The beer breath and the burps are free
But to get St. Nick to sweeten the pot
You better prove yourself one worthy tot

You gotta take out the trash with a passion
Wipe your feet coming in from the rain
If you deign double duty on your do's and don'ts
You'll have a closetful of everything you wants

Hey there, hey there
Is the floor beneath the Christmas tree bare?
Just lift some cash from your mama quick
Pop it air mail to the North Pole "Attention St. Nick"

You better walk that dog with emotion
Scoop that poop with an uncommon zeal
If you want big red to even know you're alive
Then be a saint 24-7-365

Yeah, sucking in that winter gut
Bursting like a roast chestnut
Got the deer popping wheelies with your fave knickknack
Like two pound of baloney in a one pound sack
What's that? A big-hearted burly on an old swayback
That's right Santa - he's on your track...! Jack!
Taller Than Jesus
© 2002 Sean Altman

I'm not bragging - don't mean to blaspheme
But Jesus was a short dude - at least compared to me

The average guy at the time of Christ
Was 4'9 to 5'5"
I...I'm taller than Jesus
I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus

He was long on love - but short of limb
My tee-shirt is like a dress on him
He could heal the sick and save your soul
But he couldn't dunk a basketball
I...I'm taller than Jesus
I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus

Jesus walked on water
Turned water into wine
But if you need to change that
light bulb
Call me - I'm divine

I was hanging with Christ - just guy to guy
He was sitting on a phone book - we were eye to thigh

He said "Hey Sean - what's it like up high?"
I said "Hay-soos - you want a piggyback ride?"

The Beatles claimed they were bigger than you
Well I've the height on the Beatles too
If genes determine the size of your bod
Then my Dad must be taller than God
I...I'm taller than Jesus
I said I...I'm MUCH taller than Jesus...
Too Old & Too Ugly
© 2002 Sean Altman

Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly!
Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly!
I was always the boy with the golden voice
Just a bundle of joy with abundant poise
Folks said: "Have it all - be the President"
Now itís many years later (oh yeah)
My skinís like alligator (oh yeah)
My life didnít go quite as I planned
Almighty God dealt me a crooked hand

& Iím too damn old... to be a rock star
& too damn ugly... to be your man
Iím too damn old to be a rock star
Too ugly to be your man


I survived every dive from New York to Japan
My child bride dumped me for a younger man
Folks said: "Find a woman and a brand new band"
Now itís many years later (oh yeah)
Iím a chronic masturbator (oh yeah)
Mother Nature played me for chump
Got Fateís fickle finger jammed up my rump

Chorus

Iíll never make love or the record company cut
With a face like this and a swollen gut, Iím
Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly!
Too old, too ugly, Too old, too ugly!
Gonna pump up & get plastic surgery too
Whatís a rocker of a certain age supposed to do?

Chorus
Tornado Man
© 1995 Sean Altman & Scott Leonard

Whirly topsy turvy twisting blistering
High-heater spinning round
Diving zigging zagging
Crazy motion from the mound

And every fan is concentrating on one man
And he's a stranger in their land
Batter up he blows them down
He's a hurricane in a uniform
Take shelter from the storm (watch your back)

Tornado man
He's bound to blow it by ya
He'll strike the foul
He'll silence the growl
Heroic, through and through
Tornado man, tornado man
Tornado man, save the world


And when he goes into the stretch
He deals a pirouette the batter breaks a sweat
Ball comes dancing, place your bet
He ain't done with you yet

And by the time you take your mighty cut
You're begging for some raindrops from above
Only sound you hear's the ball behind you hit the glove
One man you're thinking of

Chorus

Tornado come and he wanna throw home
Blow, blow, blow tornado
Blow, blow, blow right now

Tornado man, most courageous
We turn our eyes to you
Oh let your mighty arm persuade us
To throw away the past and start anew

Chorus

Tornado man, we know you can
Tornado man
Town No More
© 2002 Sean Altman & Jian Ghomeshi

There's really no mystery, Susannah you made me cry
& you had a history of wringing my heart dry

Don't paint it pretty - you don't need to act so kind
Where was your pity when you left me behind?
You taught me so much. You taught me so much...


This ain't your town no more
Not since you walked out of my door
And if I catch you hanging around
I'll run you right out of this town


Houston and Greene Street, the taxi reeks of you
A mouse with a mean streak, dispatched me out on cue
You taught me so much. You taught me so much...

Chorus

Did you forget my face?
Did you forget my letter?
You should know better
You should know better, but I should know you...

Innocent morning, Susannah you're far away
It's a beautiful warning that that's where you should stay
You taught me so much. You taught me so much...

Chorus
Tryin' To Forget You
unpublished work © 1999 Sean Altman

What gives? What for?
What possible reason for me banging down your door
We're through, but I'm tryin' to forget you

I'm shot. I'm gored.
My shrink thinks I'm a pussy & my friends are just bored
What's new? Just tryin' to forget you

It's not like you were even worth it
It's not like you were any better
Than any of the plenty that I had since you
Oh if you only knew how many I been through
Just tryin' tryin' just tryin' to forget you

Who's tough? Who's strong?
Who'd ever guess I'd take it up the crack this long?
Who knew? Just tryin' to forget you

I'm sunk. I'm stuck.
Even people in the audience are shoutin' "You suck!"
I'm screwed. Just tryin' to forget you
Unhappy Anniversary
© 2002 Sean Altman & Noel Cohen

You ask me how am I. Well I'm still standing, ain't I?
That's something, that's one thing that's gone my way
This morning, I'm sinking although the sun is rising
I'm falling, recalling my yesterday

This is my unhappy anniversary
But I lie... sayin' it's just another day
Here's to my unhappy anniversary, oh


I know it's such bad form to still be broken-hearted
I should screw her best friend to ease my pain
I drink up, and think up a toast to numb the hours
No silver, no diamonds, just flat champagne

This is my unhappy anniversary
But I smile... like it's just another day
Here's to my unhappy anniversary, oh


And now it's near midnight. A few more minutes & I
Can backtrack, can get back my former cheer
A happy-go-lucky, example of contentment
I'll feast 'til, at least 'til this time next year

This is my unhappy anniversary
But I lie... sayin' it's just another day
Here's to my unhappy anniversary
But I smile... like it's just another day
Here's to my unhappy anniversary
Unworthy
© 2002 Sean Altman & Andrew Chaikin

Perfect stranger
Through backseat taxi window glass you smile
Now I'm in danger
Of falling for you, longing for you
While I perfect my patter
Green light, you're gone, no matter 'cause

I'm not worthy of someone like you
I wish that I was, but I'm not, so I got to make
Do with someone unworthy of me
Who's happy to be with a someone
Unworthy of someone like you


I found new love
In certain light I guess I looked her kind
Thought it was true love
That Cinderella slipper fit her fine
One night she's warm in my bed
Next day she's gone, the note said

Chorus

I feel my heart decompose
The daisy chain of pain grows, and

Chorus
We Got A Happy Holiday
© 1992 Sean Altman

We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got a happy holiday, my baby
We're gonna spread a lot of cheer
Well, it's our favorite time of year
We got a happy holiday, my baby
Lemme hear you say!

We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got presents on the brain
And eggnog pumping through the veins
We got a happy holiday, my baby
& this is how it works:

Every little thing I want I write in my own hand
On a crumbled list, lick that stamp and send it to the man
And if it goes according to plan, on the 25th of December
I declare, "Best Christmas I can remember baby!"

We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got a happy holiday, my baby
My stockings will expand
It only takes designer brands
We got a happy holiday, my baby.


In the department store, to the right of the down escalator
There he sat like a slug some overweight second-rater
Dime-store beard and hat, shiny boots, red suit, half-eaten Nestle
Could it be him? Santa looks like Elvis Presley (no way!)

We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got a happy holiday, my baby
Lotsa room under the tree
We'll have a Zombie Jamboree (back to back)
We got a happy holiday, my baby


Here's our seasonal message:
I'm packed for the best vacation of the year
A week in the Caribbean, the beach frontier
On the way to the airport, the car breaks down
Daddy says, "This holiday you're sticking around
Come on, son, you can even help me string the lights!"
I'm feeling paler by the minute but I don't want to fight

So it's snowing like an avalanche, we're up on the roof
Them reindeer better have deep treads on their hooves
"Dagnamit, son, the darned cord won't reach!"
And all I'm thinkin' is I could be on a tropical beach
Then a big snowflake got stuck in his eye
He took a tumble backward and he started to fly
Like a lump he landed in a pile o' powder
But he got right up, couldn'ta been no prouder
Local TV said my Dad's quite a showman
Yep, that's my pop, Frosty the Snowman

Now's the time we come together, folks of every creed
To raise the cup of life and watch a tree grow from a seed
Let's jingle us some bells and spin that dreidle til it's hot
And deck that hall with everything you got
Lemme hear ya say

We got a happy holiday, my baby
We got a happy holiday, my baby
And if Santa gets stuck in the flue
We'll have a St. Nick barbecue
We got a happy holiday, my baby


Listen to the bassman
We got a happy holiday and a happy new year
Hey Hey!
Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
© 1992 Sean Altman & David Yazbek

Well she sneaks around the world from Kiev to Carolina
She's a sticky-fingered filcher from Berlin down to Belize
She'll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China
Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Steal their Seoul in South Korea, make Antarctica cry "Uncle,"
From the Red Sea to Greenland they'll be singing the blues
Well, they never Arkansas her steal the Mekong from the jungle
Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

She go from Nashville to Norway, Bonaire to Zimbabwe
Chicago to Czechoslovakia and back!

Well she'll ransack Pakistan and run a scam in Scandinavia
Then she'll stick 'em up Down Under and go pick-pocket Perth
She put the Miss in misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima
Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Oh, tell me, where in the world is...tell me, where can she be?
Botswana to Thailand, Milan via Amsterdam, Mali to Bali, Ohio, Oahu!

Well she glides around the globe, and she'll flim-flam every nation
She's a double-dealing diva with a taste for thievery
Her itinerary's loaded up with moving violations
Tell me, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
You're Mine
© 1997 Sean Altman

You're mine - there's nothing you can do about it
You're mine - so just sit back and read about it
You're mine...

You're mine - you're trying not to think about it, but look...
You'll find it boomerangs right back into your mind
You're mine...

You're mine - you're shrinking like I'm thinking crazy strange
You're mine - well then try and turn your face and walk away
Something you'll never do, love, you would but you can't
You know you're mine

And your eyes are locked like cups & string to mine
You try to look away - they just fall back in line
You're mine...

You're mine - you're pasting down the face of your disguise
Surprise - you crawl back to the thing that you despise
There's nothing you can do, love, you would but you can't

You hope in vain to hide what the world can see
There's a pain inside keeps you chained to me
And I know you don't believe it's true
Would I lie to you? Am I lying to you?
You're here and you're my proof

You're mine - you're screaming like your scheme has been betrayed
You're mine - well then spout your mama's words and walk away
Something you'll never do, love, you would but you can't
You know you're mine
You're My Christmas
© 1992 Sean Altman

Love, come and take a walk with me into the town, come on love
Who cares if the mud turns the snow from white to brown

'Cause you're my Christmas, you're my snow
And you're my crystal fire aglow
We've got to find our way to the mistletoe
'Cause I wanna make love to you


Oh yeah, once Christmas needed icicle trees and frosty air, but now love
All I need's your breath in the sun, the light in your hair

'Cause you're my angel, tinsel and bows
And you're my child with the runniest nose
Your arms are tree limbs bending with the weight of the snow
Girl I wanna make love to you


We said for worse or for better
And maybe we said it too fast
But here one more sweet Christmas has come
And we last and last and last and last in love

Think I'm just a boy with his mittens clipped to themselves, oh love
Or maybe the most mischievious one of Santa's elves

'Cause you're my sugar plum on your toes
And white December embers aglow
Whether we're in Shrub Oak or in Tokyo
Girl, I wanna make love to you

You're my Christmas, you're my snow
You're my steam at 20 below
We've got to find our way to the mistletoe
'Cause I wanna make love to you



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